I’m going insane. I think I’m going insane.

Is that normal? Am I being too self centered? Am I seeing things that aren’t there and stressing myself out over them….? Probably. I just don’t have good experience with this. And I don’t want to go through this with not one but possibly two coworkers. Maybe Martin and Blake really do just want to be friends. I mean, Martin can’t throw away 6 possibly more years with his girlfriend. That’s insane. So those good morning texts and conversation starters are just his way of making friends, right? Someone help. I don’t know his girlfriend, but everyone at work knows about her. Even if he is bored with her and is using me as an out I don’t want to get in the middle of their relationship. It’s just making me uncomfortable even if it’s his way of making friends. I don’t know. I just thought good morning texts were a relationship “I like you” sort of thing. Correct me if I’m wrong… Because really I have no idea about relationships or love or anything like that. I see that and I run like a bat out of hell in the opposite direction. I know nothing. And knowing nothing, and assuming things is going to kill me. I don’t know what to do. And my friends are too focused on the other problem because they can compare it to Jordan and Matt. They just called Martin a potato and moved on with the conversation. Not that I’d know what to do if they asked me about it. 

And then there’s Blake… He’s a nice guy… too nice. And I know that sounds like what all guys think (that girls don’t like the nice guys) but it’s not that. Blake is super religious and a good guy. I’m someone who doesn’t believe in anything, and I’m pretty sure I’m a horrible person. Someone that nice and good deserves someone nice and good and better. I’m just not into him. I wish that we could be just really good friends but normally (or at least in my experience) rejecting someone does not breed too good a friendship. I mean Matt and I stay friends because we’re pretty much forced to and even then it never works because he always tries again and again. Blake and Martin could both be really good friends. But I’m not sure how to do that. And I’m not sure if they’re trying to do it but my insecurities and my annoying brain that’s thinking all this is stopping them because I happen to think I’m all that and assuming they’re into me. 

How do I tell? What do I do? I feel like I should be locked up in a psych ward. I need people to be straight out with me. I’m always straight up with people, or I try to be but it’s hard to know what to say when they’re not being straight up with you. I’m not good and interpreting things and people’s intentions towards me. I’m distrustful. I wish they would tell me and we would get it over with. Like wouldn’t it be nice if they just said “hey I want to be best friends, you in?” or “hey I might like you” that way I can set them straight either way and know how to proceed. 

I wish people were easier to read, but then again I know I’m probably the hardest to read. Well then.