Lost in the quiet

Photo retrieved from: ampthemag.com

If you recognize the photo above, that means you’re an amazing person. And if you’re as obsessed with it as  I am, that makes you one of the best people in the u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e!! Yeah!!!!

But kidding aside though, if you recognize the picture, that means you have at some point, cried while listening to Hamilton’s track #41 a.k.a THE MOST HEARTBREAKING SONG EVER SUNG. And if you’re familiar with the song, then you’d know it to be It’s Quiet Uptown – from the Broadway musical Hamilton, performed by Renée Elise Goldsberry (Angelica), Lin-Manuel Miranda (Hamilton), Phillipa Soo (Eliza) and their talented ensemble. You’d also know that it tells the story of Alexander and Eliza after the death of their son, Philip a tragic incident that devastated the Hamiltons.

When the instructions for this final blog post was given, I immediately decided on It’s Quiet Uptown for two reasons:

[ol]

  • I want more people to know about the musical. I want more people to appreciate the brilliance of the music, and the story and characters incorporated in it. Since It’s Quiet Uptown is my #1 favorite song from the entire album, I thought to start sharing my love for Hamilton from there. But more than that,
  • This song is special to me because it describes perfectly what I’m going through right now.
  • [/ol]

    Just to clarify, I have not lost someone I love because of death. Fortunately, my experience is not as tragic as the Hamiltons. But just like the characters in the song, I know all too well what it’s like to suffer through a loss. I know what it’s like to be consumed by sadness. I know what it’s like to experience depression.

    Every time I hear Angelica open the song with these lines….

    There are moments that the words don’t reach
    There is suffering too terrible to name

    … I think of all the times I find myself unable to find the words to explain what I’m going through with my friends and family. I think of all the times I avoided people because I don’t want them to ask me how I am, because I wouldn’t know what to say if they do. I think of all the times I tried to explain, but couldn’t get it right and so I stopped trying. I think of all the times I simply told them “I’m okay” when the truth is I’m far from being okay. I think of all the times I smiled when I wanted to break down, of all the times I walked forward when I wanted to collapse.

    Angelica sings….

    The moments when you’re in so deep
    It feels easier to just swim down

    …and I agree. After all, I’ve cut classes just because I didn’t want to see people. I’ve lied my way out of meetings, family bonding, hang-outs with friends, and more. I’ve slept for hours because I didn’t want to confront my issues. I’ve given myself way too many excuses , enough to convince me that it’s okay I stopped doing this and that, and all the things I used to do, things I used to love doing. Many times I felt like I’m drowning and I didn’t even tried to swim my way up.

    Alexander sings….

    I spend hours in the garden
    I walk alone to the store
    And it’s quiet uptown
    I never liked the quiet before

    …and I see myself changing. I used to like being around people. I used to be that girl who spends more than half of her day surrounded by people, always in this event, or that meeting, this party or that activity. Now I find myself always in my room instead, saying no this event, or that meeting, this party or that activity. I eat alone or walk alone. I didn’t like doing that before.

    Angelica sings…

    If you see him in the street, walking by
    himself, talking to himself, have pity

    …and I wonder if my friends think the same thing about me.

    He is working through the unimaginable

    Most of the time now I find myself awake late at night, thinking about how this happened to me, why I feel this way – only to sleep eventually and wake up with no answers.

    Can you imagine?

    Sometimes it doesn’t feel real at all. Like it’s not happening to me, but to someone else. Everything seems blurry and I wonder if this is all just a dream. I’d wish I’d wake up and no longer be lost, sad, and too tired to be feel.

    I don’t pretend to know
    The challenges we’re facing
    I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost
    And you need time

    Yes, I don’t know what exactly is happening to me. But I do know that I need time. To recover from pains never forgotten. To remember my why, my purpose, my dreams. To remember the person I was once, and the person I want to be. To forgive the people who hurt me.

    And to forgive myself. For giving up so many times. For allowing myself to be sad and lonely and tired and lost. For allowing myself to break. For not being as strong as I’d want to be.

    There are moments that the words don’t reach
    There is a grace too powerful to name

    Forgiveness

    I’d start there.

    To heal.

    Forgiveness

    P.S. It’s on Spotity!!  https://play.spotify.com/user/1262567682/playlist/386Tbc8RnxbwoA0v4NAIJ7